The Bakers were unable to have children, so they reluctantly decided to hire a surrogate father to help start their family. On the morning the man was scheduled to arrive, Mr. Baker kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m heading out to work. The professional should be pulling up any minute now.”
By complete coincidence, a door-to-door baby photographer knocked on the door just thirty minutes later, hoping to pitch his services. As soon as Mrs. Baker opened the door, the man smiled and began, “Good morning, ma’am. I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain!” Mrs. Baker interrupted, blushing furiously. “I’ve been anxiously expecting you.”
“Have you really?” the photographer asked, pleasantly surprised. “Well, that’s fantastic. You should know that babies are my absolute specialty.”
“That is exactly what my husband and I are hoping for,” she sighed. “Please, come inside and let’s get started. Where do we even begin?”
“Just leave everything to me,” the photographer said confidently. “I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the living room couch, and perhaps a couple upstairs on the bed. Though honestly, the backyard garden is where the real magic happens because you can really spread out.”
“The bathtub?! The garden?!” Mrs. Baker gasped. “Good lord, no wonder it never worked out for my husband and me!”
“Well, none of us can guarantee a perfect result on the first try,” the photographer laughed. “But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m highly confident you’ll be thrilled with the final product.”
“My goodness, that sounds like an awful lot of work,” she murmured.
“In my line of work, a man really has to take his time. I mean, I’d love to be in and out in five minutes flat, but I know you’d be incredibly disappointed with that kind of rushed performance.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Baker muttered under her breath.
The photographer then opened his briefcase to show off his past work. “Now, look at this one. This beautiful job was actually done right on the top deck of a moving city bus.”
“Oh, my God!” Mrs. Baker cried, clutching her chest.
“And these twins here turned out exceptionally well,” he continued, flipping the page. “Especially when you consider how incredibly difficult their mother was to work with.”
“She was difficult?” Mrs. Baker asked, trembling.
“Oh, a nightmare. I finally had to take her out to the public park just to get the job done right. Before I knew it, people were crowding around four and five deep just to get a good look at us.”
“A crowd?!” Mrs. Baker’s eyes went completely wide.
“Yes, and we kept at it for over three solid hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling so loudly that I could hardly concentrate. By the time it started getting dark, I had to completely rush my shots. Ultimately, when the local squirrels actually started nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all up and call it a day.”
Mrs. Baker leaned forward, utterly horrified. “Are you telling me the wildlife actually chewed on your… your equipment?”
“Oh, absolutely. It’s an occupational hazard,” the photographer shrugged cheerfully. “Anyway, if you are ready to begin, I’ll just set up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“A tripod?” Mrs. Baker whispered.
“Oh, yes,” the photographer smiled. “I absolutely must use a sturdy tripod to rest my heavy Canon on. It’s far too big and heavy for me to hold in my hand for very long.”
Mrs. Baker fainted on the spot.
