My husband and I were dressed to the nines, completely ready to head out for a highly anticipated, lovely evening of fine dining and theater.
Having been victims of a traumatic home burglary in the past, we were incredibly cautious about security. We strategically turned on a ‘night light’ to make the house look occupied, carefully escorted our cat out into the fenced backyard, and locked up.
When our Uber finally pulled up to the curb, we opened the front door to leave. Suddenly, out of nowhere, our rather tubby cat came charging out from the bushes, scooted right between our legs back inside the house, and bolted straight up the stairs.
Because our overweight cat has a dangerous habit of trying to eat our pet parakeet, we knew we couldn’t leave the two of them unchaperoned for the next six hours. My husband sighed, dropped his coat, and ran back inside the house to retrieve the cat and banish her to the backyard once again.
I walked out to the waiting Uber alone and climbed into the back seat. Because I didn’t want the stranger driving the car to know our home was going to be completely vacant all evening, I decided to invent a wholesome little lie.
I smiled warmly at the driver and explained, “My husband will be out in just a brief moment. He’s just running upstairs to bid a fond goodnight to my elderly mother.”
The driver nodded politely, smiling at the sweet gesture.
The Deadly Clarification
A few minutes later, the front door slammed shut. My husband practically threw himself into the back seat of the Uber, completely flushed, sweating, and visibly bothered.
As the car pulled away from the curb and accelerated down the street, my husband wiped his brow and turned to me, saying loudly—to my absolute horror and growing amusement:
“Ugh, I am so incredibly sorry that took so long, honey! But the stupid bitch was hiding all the way under the bed, and I literally had to poke her bare ass with a wire coat hanger just to get her to come out! Then, she tried to take off running, so I aggressively grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and tightly wrapped her in a thick blanket so she wouldn’t scratch the living hell out of me like she did last time.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but my jaw was completely frozen in shock.
My husband completely leaned into his rant, totally oblivious to the driver’s eyes widening to the size of saucers in the rearview mirror.
“But hey, the violence worked!” my husband bragged heavily. “I successfully hauled her fat ass all the way down the stairs and threw her straight into the muddy backyard… and she had better not shit in my vegetable garden again!”
The silence inside that Uber was absolutely deafening.
