My mother-in-law Gloria went too far when she walked into Thanksgiving with a turkey bearing an image of my face. Her embarrassing “joke” in front of her family was the final straw. But little did Gloria know, I had a plan to make her stunt the talk of the town—for all the wrong reasons.
Gloria, my mother-in-law, was a saboteur, not a meddler.
Things only got worse from there. Gloria’s specialty had evolved into passive-aggressive tyranny. Compliments that weren’t compliments, counsel I didn’t ask for, and small gestures like “correcting” my cooking in the middle of a dish or bringing “extras” to dinners I’d carefully planned.
This brings us to Thanksgiving — our Thanksgiving. After years of living in small apartments, Mark and I purchased our own home and hosted for the first time. It was my time to shine, or at least cook a pie without someone swooping in with “a better recipe.”
I wanted everything to be flawless. The house smelled like cinnamon and roasted turkey, the dinner table was adorned with actual cloth napkins (a luxury), and my apple pie crust was, dare I say, magazine-worthy.
For a time, I felt I had won the family over. Then Gloria arrived.
“Hello, everyone!” she announced. “I’ve brought a turkey. Made it extra special for you.”
I paused in mid-step, my smile hardening like stale leftovers from the week. “Oh. How… thoughtful.”
“Oh, it’s nothing,” she remarked dismissively, brushing by me and heading right for the kitchen as if she owned the house. “Besides, you might need a backup. These things can be tricky, you know.”
A backup. For my turkey. The turkey that I had been basting and babysitting all morning was now cooking to golden perfection in the oven.
“Gloria, everything’s under control,” I said, trying to sound as calm as possible.
She hesitated just long enough to offer me one of her characteristic tight-lipped smiles. It was the kind of smile that could sour milk. “Of course. I’m just here to help.”
To my surprise, supper went well—or at least better than expected.
For a little time, I allowed myself to exhale and believe that I had pulled it off.
Even Gloria appeared quiet for a spell, sipping her wine and making vaguely polite comments on the table setting. But it was only a matter of time before she made her next move.
“Everyone!” Gloria’s voice rang out, controlling the room the way a maestro might silence an orchestra. She clinked her glass for attention, then rose from her seat with dramatic flair. “I thought it would be fun to add a little… personal touch to my turkey this year.”
She slowly removed the lid, as if unwrapping a treasured antique. For a short second, I believed I was hallucinating.
Her flawlessly roasted turkey was ornamented with a laminated photo of my face, pinned d.e.a.d center to the breast.
Gloria stood there beaming, hands on her hips as if she had just exhibited a masterpiece. “I just thought,” she remarked with feigned innocence, “it would be fitting since Stephanie’s been such a turkey this year!”
But Gloria did not hesitate. Her chuckle was full-throated and triumphant. She was wallowing in her glory, ecstatic at the chaos she’d caused.
Humiliated does not begin to convey how I felt at that time.
She had done it. She had humiliated me in front of everyone in my own home. Again.
This time, though, things were different. This time, I would not let her win.
I took a long breath to steady myself. Then, with purposeful composure, I rose and grabbed my phone.
Gloria thought she’d won. She had no idea what was coming.
After everyone had departed, I sat down with a glass of wine and opened my laptop. Did Gloria seek attention? Fine. I’d give her more than she ever imagined.
I made a Facebook event called “Gloria’s Annual Turkey Roast,” tagged all of her friends, and submitted images of her masterpiece.
The description said, “Need a centerpiece for your holiday table? Gloria’s custom ‘turkey selfies’ are the talk of the season! Book now for Christmas!”
By daybreak, the post had spread throughout the community. Gloria was overwhelmed with calls and messages. She appeared at my door, red-faced and enraged.
“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?” she screamed.
I smiled sweetly. “Oh, Gloria, I thought you’d love the attention! Everyone’s raving about your creativity.”
“People think I’m INSANE!” she spat. “Dozens of calls — someone even asked me to roast a turkey with their cat’s face on it. Their CAT!”
Mark, who had been quietly watching, eventually spoke up. “Mom, you humiliated her first. Be grateful she didn’t print out a billboard.”
In the following weeks, the turkey story became a local legend. Gloria became known as “the turkey lady,” and although she would never admit it, her antics subsided after that.
As for me? Thanksgiving in our house became a treasured, albeit infamous, memory — a reminder that sometimes vengeance is best served with a side of wit.
