Home Moral Stories Every time your partner feels unhappy and wants to separate, DON’T do...

Every time your partner feels unhappy and wants to separate, DON’T do these things

Separation is never a good option for maintaining a marriage, regardless of any marital problems; if possible, it should be avoided. Every time your partner feels unhappy and wants to separate, we suggest you NOT do these things

1. Don’t beg

The harder you beg and try to pull them back to you, the more they want to leave. By begging them not to leave you, you are making yourself an unwanted presence in their life. All those moves that come out of desperation are highly unattractive and will only cause your partner to keep a distance from you and even feel resentment and disdain toward you.

Although your spouse reluctantly agrees to stay in the marriage, neither of you can feel happy in the relationship; in particular, that will affect you personally. Your begging and pleading can’t significantly change your partner’s mind about the relationship but lowers your self-worth and value; if you put yourself down, change your behavior to please your spouse, lower your standards to fit what they want, and even sacrifice yourself for that their sake, the relationship will be struggling and it can hardly last long.

2. Don’t act clingy and needy

Maybe you fear that if your spouse separates from you, they will not come back to you. This fear in your heart can cause you to act clingy and needy. Don’t do so because that keeps you in a state of constant rejection and false hope.

3. Don’t vigorously complain

Make sure to express your complaint simply and briefly. Remember, don’t add anything that can sound like a disrespectful judgment; otherwise, it tends to be perceived as a criticism that is annoying and rarely persuasive.

The tension between you and your spouse will increase instantly; and that can lead to an intense bickering/argument.

Nobody likes to be criticized or scolded, but a complainer often does this to their spouses to release pent-up emotions. But if you do so, most likely your departing spouse will not empathize with you; on the contrary, probably he/she will think that you are so odious because you want to make a fuss over trifles. So even though you feel an urge to complain, it is important to stick to an issue at hand without taking it personally.

Moreover, pay attention to your tone – try to speak to him/her in a more peaceful tone; and don’t act like you are giving a lecture to your children. Try to stay calm, and remind yourself that you don’t have to care too much about his/her response.

4. Don’t be manipulated by your spouse

Don’t choose to give in to all his/her demands and even let him/her determine the path you follow.

Or maybe, you are longing to save the broken marriage, and you buy into the false idea that if you can go along with anything he/she wants, he/she will feel more satisfied in the relationship, and then he/she will reconsider the relationship. However, this will only be counterproductive. The manipulation through threats or anger can serve the purpose of paralyzing you into inaction so that he/she will have fewer difficulties quitting the relationship.

5. Don’t blame

Blaming your spouse causes defensiveness on his/her part, and he/she can either withdraw and stop communicating or defend himself/herself by fighting back. Either way, the two of you will end up feeling more distant, and you two will be more unwilling to bridge the gap.

To stop a blame game, you should initiatively accept and undertake your responsibility for what went wrong; and you might also ask yourself, “Why are my spouse’s characteristics or behavior so annoying to me?”, “What are my needs?”, ”Why am I so sad and frustrated once my spouse doesn’t fulfill my needs?”, “Does my spouse understand my needs?”, ”What have I done wrong?” “What can I do to approach the problem?”, “How to defuse the conflict?”…

6. Don’t let the victim mindset hold you back

The mindset that you should not be responsible for anything will drive you to explain away your words and behavior that may have hurt your spouse. And when you play the victim and frequently blame your spouse for feeling hurt, he/she will feel more resentful towards you because you don’t want to admit your mistakes/guilt and you are just shifting your responsibility.