Balancing relationships with in-laws may be difficult, especially when cultural expectations and personal goals contradict. Today’s narrative follows one woman’s path of asserting her individuality and pursuing a job despite the customary expectations imposed by her husband’s family.
She explained what happened.
So, my hubby is from a “traditional” family. Mum’s a stay-at-home woman, and the father is the sole provider. I came from the opposite end of the spectrum; my mother banned me from ever becoming financially dependent on a guy and instilled this in me from an early age.
My husband tried hard to unlearn the ideals he witnessed at home. He (often more than) carried his weight at home, as an involved and present parent and true spouse. The only thing that bothers me is how much importance he places on his family’s opinions. I understand that everyone wants their parents to be proud of them, but this is too much.
My in-laws are staying with us for two weeks. Our regular routine is that I prepare breakfast, we all eat lunch at work/school, and my husband cooks dinner. We have a cleaner, but she’s on vacation, so in the interim, we’re doing the cleaning ourselves, with everyone responsible for keeping their individual place clean and the shared areas tidy. This is how we’ve always done things, and it works.
My in-laws resent that I’m “one of those modern women.” They despise the fact that I work, that I do not find fulfillment in being a wife and mother, and that my husband contributes to the household. We spoke pretty frankly early on, during which I established my boundaries and stated that I would not be chastised for how I live my life at home. When I am a guest in their home, I adapt to their ways and play the DIL they wish I was. They have mostly respected this.
I went home from work yesterday, exhausted and hungry. I usually arrive home at 18:15/30, and we eat at 19:00. I said a quick greeting before running up for a pre-dinner shower. When I arrived, I went to the kitchen to assist with dinner preparations and saw that nothing was ready.
I asked my husband about it, but he refused to look at me, and his mother said that he had not cooked anything. She told me I needed to fulfill my role as a wife by cooking for my family. My cowardly husband still didn’t look at me.
I just walked away and ordered takeout. I prepared meals for myself and my children, and we sat at the table to eat. My spouse and his parents served themselves before joining us.
My mother-in-law continued to lecture me on what was wrong with me and why I was a failure. I inquired if my husband had anything to say. He agreed with his mother, and it wouldn’t harm if I acted “more like a proper woman” and “took better care of my home and children.” He said tradition existed for a reason, and it was kind of insulting that I thought I was too good for way he was brought up.
This is where I could be the jerk. I told him that tradition would not allow a guy earning $35,000 to sustain a family of five, and that he was too broke to be so sexist. He looked hurt, and tears welled up in his eyes. He excused himself from the table.
I regret saying this in front of our children, but his saying that to me after I was cleaning up his mess and dealing with his parents was too much for me.
People stood on her side.
“Should have ordered only enough food for you and the kids.” WhyCommentQueasy / Reddit
“Next time the in-laws show up, just take the kids & leave. Let him deal with his parent’s stupidity.” Shutupandplayball / Reddit
“What you said might have been hurtful and cutting, but it was the truth, and only came out because he said – also in front of your children – that you weren’t a proper woman and didn’t take adequate care of your home and children.” owls_and_cardinals / Reddit
“This is all on him. He decided it was better for him and easier for him to risk your feelings than stand up to his parents. He chose to upset you versus upsetting his mother.” judgeeveryonesbiznes / Reddit
“You know… Normally I think you shouldn’t bring up dirt in front of the kids, but kids learn to normalize what their parents tolerate. She needed to say something in front of them, so their new mother-in-law’s insult and Daddy’s weakness were not normal or right. Maybe not what was said, but something.” CatlinM / Reddit
“First thing to do is tell the IL’s they are no longer welcome in your home. If the husband wants to see them, he can go visit them. I’d put strict rules in place about contact with the children. Your children should not have to listen to them denigrate their mother.” squirrelsareevil2479 / Reddit
Standing solid on your decision to reject the typical role of stay-at-home wife can be a difficult but rewarding journey. This event taught her the value of setting boundaries, advocating for herself, and living a life that is fulfilling both personally and professionally.
