Do actions truly speak louder than words? Of course, actions are crucial, and words without action are often empty promises. But when it comes to maintaining healthy and sustainable relationships, the way you speak to your partners is just as important.
The ability to handle disagreements in a relationship is a key prerequisite to long-term success, and that skill is reliant on clear and effective communication. If you were to step back and observe your arguments or conversations with your partner, would you wish you had phrased things differently?
Good communication begins with mindfulness, and when you become mindful of the language you’re using with your partner, you’ll be surprised (and pleased) to see the impact it has on your relationship. We recommend starting by removing these 9 phrases from your vocabulary.
Nine common phrases that drive couples apart & what to say instead.
1. You’re such a nag.
Instead say, “I feel picked on and judged”
2. You are smothering me.
Choose, to say, “I feel overwhelmed, and need some space”
3. You are distant.
Another way to say it is, “I am physically in the room with you and I feel lonely.”
4. The world revolves around you.
Change to, “I feel I can’t trust you will respond in a safe way for me.”
5. You are selfish.
An alternative is,” I’m sad when I feel you don’t value me.”
6. You don’t like being physical anymore.
Try, “I’m feeling sad we don’t have as much physicality in our relationship as in the past.”
7. You don’t love me.
Switch to, “I feel unloved by you when you (i.e. yell at me).
8. Other people like me, why don’t you?
Try instead, “I feel you don’t like me when you (i.e. won’t talk with me).
9. You make me feel bad.
Try changing it to, “I feel bad when you” (i.e. call me names).
As you can clearly see, the general tool you can use to help you communicate in a safer way for your partner is to change “you” statements to “I feel, when you do….” statements.
The desired effect of “you” statements is to disengage from the relationship. The person is effectively saying, “You are not important to me. I must protect myself from you.” The couple ship is now not safe and secure for either partner because the trigger has been engaged, and they are both responding from an emotional reaction. The underlying feelings typically can be fear, shame, abandonment or worthlessness. No one likes to feel those emotions.
By switching to “I feel” statements, the relationship can more easily remain intact. Your partner may be more willing to make a repair and help you heal. In a way, by owning your feelings, and sharing them with love, you more effectively get your and the relationship’s needs met.
Your relationship can be a safety zone for both of you if you work on it throughout your lives. One word of caution, if your partner does not invest in your relationship and refuses to grow, you have a hard decision to make.
Many people choose obsessions and addictions over relationships. Your partner gets to make that decision. Your job is to see reality at all costs and adjust to what you can live with.
