17 ways to stop being needy and clingy in your relationship
Are you afraid of being too attached or too needy?
It’s easy to cross borders when you’re in a relationship. Especially if you are really in love with someone.
So, if you think you are too attached, do not worry. This is not the end of the world.
You can correct this behavior with a few simple changes.
But why do people cling to each other first?
how to stop being in need
The way we respond to negative emotions depends largely on our psychological and emotional trauma of the past.
Psychologists have found that the so-called “attachment style” is the primary predictor of how to deal with our relationships with adults.
Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., author and professor of psychology, explains:
“The way we interact with our adult romantic partners is reflected in our early relationships with our parents.”
Whitbourne says that well-educated people can have a “secure attachment”. They can value their relationships without being tied.
On the contrary, if you grew up in an unstable environment, you may not be safe anymore.
Whitbourne says that this type of bond can be manifested in two ways:
“When you are anxiously connected, you are too sensitive to the clues your partner leaves you, and as a result, you become too dependent on your romantic partners.
“On the other hand, people who want to avoid attachment do not want to bond with their partners.”
You can have an unsafe attachment if you have to be with your partner all the time. Being affectionate is simply your answer to your problems with the task.
It does not matter if you are safe or unsafe. There are other ways to build a healthy relationship with your partner.
17 things you can do to help you become less clingy and needy.
With hard work and determination, you can limit your attachment and become an effective and encouraging partner. Just follow these simple steps:
1. Recognize that you may have a problem
You are already starting to take responsibility for attachment by realizing that it can be unhealthy.
The first step is to accept the fact that it is difficult to be affectionate.
Psychiatrist Mark Banschick advises:
“It is not too bad to admit that you are too attached, and there are usually good reasons for you to become like that, like fears in early childhood.
“Good relationships are worth a lot, so if you tend to be in need, do something, try to overcome the wounds of the past and build better relationships in the future.”
2. Learn how to cope with your anxiety
Demolition problems, unsecured attachment, etc. – all this is the result of anxiety.
You are worried because you think that something bad will happen every time you are not with your partner.
How do you manage that?
“Since stress plays such an important role in the equation, the only way to avoid the loss of attachment and despair is to learn how to handle the situations that trigger your anxiety attachment patterns.”
She believes in building a “stable foundation of bonds” by imagining the best of your relationship, rather than thinking of the worst.
You can also manage your daily stress with “constructive coping methods”.
“If you do not feel emotionally safe, you are more likely to manage your own insecurities, which makes you more sensitive to rejection of a potential partner.
Increase your resilience by developing coping strategies that allow you to feel better and tackle the situations that weigh you down. ”
3. Work on yourself
It happens all the time:
People are in a relationship and suddenly neglect their personal growth and development.
Being affectionate is the result of this lack of self-love.
According to psychologist Suzanne Lachmann:
“Getting lost in a relationship can cause fear, resentment or even despair, forcing you to rebel or express yourself in an exaggerated or extreme way, which can endanger your relationship.”
So work on you.
Encourage your partner to do the same.
This will make you better people. But it will also make you a stronger couple.
“If each partner is willing to see the change and desire of an independent individual in the relationship as a growth opportunity, this in turn will foster a positive emotional environment.”
4. Develop trust in your relationship
Let’s face it:
You have problems of trust. Otherwise, you would not be so attached.
It is a challenge to trust your partner, especially when you are full of worried thoughts.
But if you have no reason to suspect your partner, why go through all this fear?
Psychologists Rob Pascale and Lou Primavera add:
“Partners who do not trust can not feel safe, so their relationship goes through frequent ups and downs emotionally.
“This happens because a suspicious partner spends a lot of time questioning his relationship and trying to understand his partner’s motives.”
Does it look like you?
Then, it’s time to earn the trust of your partner.
Get rid of all those negative thoughts. If something bad happens, it will happen. But until then, you will save yourself the trouble.
5. Build your self-confidence
One of the main reasons we hold our partners like this is that we are afraid of losing them.
It’s completely normal. We all aspire to safety, especially in our relationships.
However, this tendency can be manifested by extreme attachment.
In a 2013 study, researchers found that self-esteem and satisfaction of your relationship with your partner were key factors.
So, if you want to be less affectionate and happy in your relationship, build your self-confidence.Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Develop your own career. Follow what makes sense to you. All of this can help strengthen your confidence.
As they say, “confidence is sexy”. And your partner will surely think the same thing.
6. Try to give your partner more space
It is a challenge to tackle your state of natural attachment. But try to give more space to your partner.
According to psychologist Jeremy E Sherman, couples must give themselves freedom – and it’s not personal.
“To love deeply does not mean to want to be together every minute, the time spent together is certainly a measure of the strength of love, but it is dangerous to spend too much time together as an indicator of the health of the relationship. . ”
So let your partner have room to breathe.
If you have a long relationship, it is especially important to follow this advice.
7. Talk to your partner
Do not underestimate the power of a good conversation.
You and your partner should be open to the problems you are having. Communicate clearly and listen carefully.
“When you calmly discuss your feelings instead of responding to them, you can not only be sure that your partner really cares about you, but also that your partner gets a glimpse of what triggers you.”
Get involved with the big elephant in the room. More importantly, tell your partner that you are ready to work, to be less affectionate.
8. Know your worth
Part of the problem may be that you do not feel valued enough in the relationship.
You must realize that you deserve love and attention.
It is normal to fight in a relationship of self-esteem, especially when it’s new.
According to Erika Miley, psychotherapist and licensed sex therapist:
“Our brain loves new love and we often isolate ourselves, not intentionally, from our lives before the relationship.”
If you feel that your partner’s attention is insufficient, even if he’s doing his best, it’s probably because you’re fighting for self-esteem.
However, if you feel that your feelings are right, talk to your partner.
Love and affection should not be required.
He should be released.
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If you have to keep asking, it’s not true love.
9. Try not to be too physically clingy
Being affectionate is not only emotional. It can also be physical.
Declarations of public affection are to a certain extent just. Some people even need affection to feel loved and confirmed.
Everyone, however, must have his own personal freedom. And if you do not set any limits, it could be a big problem.
In fact, a recent study shows that couples who are too affectionate at the beginning of their relationship tend to divorce rather than those who are not concerned with the PDA.
Try to discuss boundaries when it comes to expressing love.
This does not mean that you should stop, but maybe a little distance can help you be a little less needy.
10. Spend more time with your loved ones
Do not be one of those who forget about their family and friends when they are in a relationship.
Yes, your partner is an important part of your life, but it should not be your whole life.
Do not forget to spend time with people who have lived with you all. Your family and friends will tear you apart if your relationship ends.
They are also a source of healthy support if you have relationship problems.
In fact, spending time with friends can help relieve your anxiety.
According to the approved psychologist Janna Koretz:
“Friends help you look at things realistically, they help you see things as they are, and if you have someone who can help you make an external decision, it will benefit your relationship.
“Even romantic relationships are very scary.When you talk to friends, you probably have people who say,” I already did it “or” How to solve this problem. “Friendship offers a very good support network . ”
Strong connections with other people make it easier for you to hang on to your partner.
11. Meet new people
Did you know that relationships are number one in promoting happiness in life?
No, not only romantic relationships, but also friendships and family relationships.
Studies show that you too are happy when you are surrounded by happy friends. As friends become happier, the whole group becomes so too.
The expansion of your social circle should not stop simply because you have found a new life partner.
According to Whitbourne:
“People who experience similar life events can often provide the most valuable support, but some couples withdraw from friendships when their relationship becomes serious, and you can benefit from both maintaining your close friendships. sharing with couples in transition, for example, becoming a parent, raising teenagers and helping older family members. ”
If you and your partner want a healthy relationship, both of you must be open to new people.
The new people in your life simply have more meaning, more experience and a healthy way to balance your relationship.
It’s easy to get into your own turbulence.
But remember that your partner is as human. Your behavior and what you must do affects you mentally and emotionally.
Coach Lisa Shield said:
“If you feel that you do not know what you are doing, you may feel vulnerable and threatened, you must understand that the other, like you, has uncertainties and fears, and that you can then meet them in the middle rather only as a puzzle to look at. ”
Make compromises where you can. Talk about how you feel for each other.
Good communication and empathy can help improve a relationship
13. Let go of your controlling tendencies
Whether you like it or not, you just can not control everything about your relationship and your partner’s life.
Ann Smith, Family and Family Therapist, said:
“The controller himself has made stress feel responsible for disaster prevention by focusing obsessively on the potential problems, or even tragedies, that may arise if he neglects something.”
Your advice? Remember that you are both imperfect.
“Remember that the best way to love someone is to make them who they are, including mistakes, injuries and even losses, and you will learn more from a mistake than following advice or reminding others to prevent something bad from happening. ”
If anyone wants to be with you, he will be with you. If not, you can not do anything else. Again, you can control your reactions to the situation.
14. Stop snooping on their social media
In terms of social media, it’s hard to define strong limits. After all, it is actually an approved area.
But sniffing is still sniffing. This is a violation of privacy and clearly destroys the trust your partner has given you.
It could also be a sign of bigger problems in your relationship.
Jordan Gray sex and dating coach explains:
“If you want to study your partner’s online behavior, you need to talk to them more deeply about your lack of trust in the relationship or your sense of inner security in general.
Also, check out the tastes and comments and find out who’s following – this is tormenting you.
15. Learn how to be okay with being alone
Are you in a relationship just because you are alone?
Many people are happy with mediocre or bad relationships because they are really afraid of being alone.
Your fear of being alone could also be the cause of your need. You may not feel well if you have no one with you.
But learning to cope with loneliness is something you need to learn to be completely happy in life.
According to the psychiatrist dr. Abigail Brenner:
“There is so much to gain that you learn to trust yourself and most of all to trust your inner voice, which is the best source of your own leadership.”
If you are alone, you can give up your “social security” and have the freedom to think independently. Without external influence, you may be able to make better decisions about who you are and what you want. ”
Be alone in something that you can not wait to see. Take time to take care of yourself and think.
When you learn to be happy yourself, you do not have to rely on someone to make you happy.
16. Your partner may be a contributor
In many cases, attachment is not a mere consequence of one’s own insecurity. Sometimes a partner also makes a great contribution.
Treason may have occurred. Or the partner has good reason to doubt the love of his partner.
According to the psychiatrist dr. Mark Branschick:
“Most relationship problems are caused by two people, does it have narcissistic tendencies that make you feel second, or maybe it does not like you, and it’s time to soften that relationship. Dealing with difficult facts is often better than being tormented daily. ”
You must be the judge in this case. If the problem is primarily with your partner, it may be time to determine your own mental health.
17. Learn to find the balance
This is the most important step. And probably the most difficult.
In any case, you need to find a balance between your own safety and that of your partner.
Trust is difficult to give. But trusting yourself and your place in your relationship can make it much easier to lose control.
After the coach relationship Lauren Irish:
“Know what balance looks like in your relationship: each relationship is unique and has different balance points Take the time to find out what’s important to you and where you’re willing to compromise. to your values, you will find a balance that suits you. ”
There is no greater joy than having someone to share your life with. But there is no greater accomplishment than to be perfectly fine with yourself and who you are.
I am looking for professional help
It is not too bad to ask the help of a professional. You are not crazy, but you behave as you are.
Talk to someone who knows how to fix it. Talk to someone who can help you.
Believe it or not, you can get better.
Do not be afraid and do not be ashamed to ask for help. If your partner is ready, you can follow a therapy together.
It will do a lot of good for your relationship.
According to psychologist and couple therapist Debra Campbell:
“The therapist can find out how he can help the spouse interpret misunderstandings and determine where they are most in conflict.”
A therapist can help you better understand what you are going through. Above all, it is amazing how easy it is to talk to someone who does not feel that you can help.
In short, try to love yourself first
People are often affectionate because they lack confidence in themselves. Many of us have a deep sense of insecurity and are not “good enough”.
However, it is not too late to solve the problem.
Practice self-love starting today.
Invest in yourself and focus on your own needs. Find out who you are and learn to accept what you find.
You can not love someone in the right way if you can not love yourself first.
Instead of convincing someone to love you, try to find that love for yourself.